Well it's been a long time since I've been on here. Not that anyone is even reading this, but that's okay with me, It's my place to say what I want and to hell with what anyone thinks.
I have met someone FINALLY and we have been dating for about 8 months. He really loves me for ME. I honestly didn't think it would EVER happen to me. I didn't think I deserved it or was worthy of it. His name is John. He means so much to me. I have never been happier. It's weird, in a REALY REALY GOOD way, to have someone in my life who only expects me to be me. It's not easy, he hasn't had a serious girlfriend in like 20 years. Last week his brother had a heart attack, and this week, John has clammed up tight, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to be pushy, but it's difficult to help or be there, when I don't really know how to do it for him. It is still new, so this is good, it's something that we are both learning to go through together.
I have been in therapy for a year now and have come so far, but I still have a long way to go. I am on anti-depressants and it is still embarassed about it, but at the same time, I am SO GLAD that Karin convinced me to go on them. I VERY NERVOUSLY told John about them, and he didnt flinch a bit. The thing I still can't get over, is the guilt I feel for being so blind to Marissa's pain. I know I need to let it go, but I feel like it is super glued to my heart.
Let's see, what else oh, I was laid off from Bounty Hunter. I know they wanted to fire me, but couldn't because Ron had not documented anything on me. I was laid off on January 8th. Now I'm among the MASSES of unemployed and there are no good paying jobs out there. It's really difficult. I hate job hunting, I feel like I'm pimping myself out, "hey baby you know want me, look what I can do".
Cynthia's father also passed away on Tuesday (3/23/10). His suffering is finally over. Cynthia and her mother no longer have to sit by helplessly and watch him wither away. I can't imagine anything worse. I fear the time that comes when I have to do the same thing.
My therapist tells me that I have to something nice for myself. I have no idea what to do. Is getting your hair cut being nice to yourself? I am getting to the point of frustration at home. My Dad got angry tonight because I had a hair appointment at 6pm and didn't specifically ask him to make dinner. I was talking to Mom about dinner alternatives, WITH DAD chiming in, talking about me NOT BEING THERE, and I get home around 730pm-745pm, and Dad is pissed. Mom wants me to go help Dad finish up, but I have done NOTHING WRONG, so I just go to me room and let him finish like a spoiled child. It's getting stupid. If I don't SPECIFICALLY SAY "Dad you have to make dinner, I'm not going to be here" he throws a fit like a 3 year old. Excuse me for actually having a life and not being your personal live in maid!
I guess that is all I have to share with...................you.
