Faking it like a pro

I'm not good at very any things. One thing I have become pretty good at lately is faking at how happy I am. How much I love my life, and the frequent dates I have. How much I LOVE my job. ALL LIES. Complete and total LIES. The biggest change is that John dumped me. I wasn't surprised at all. I was surprised that he chose the pussy way out and said nothing to me. He just stopped returning my calls, ignored my texts, and emails. Basically pretended that I didn't exist. MOTHER FUCKING PUSSY!!!!! I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!! I HOPE HE LIVES FOR A VERY LONG TIME AND LIVES AN EXTREMELY MISERABLE LIFE!!! I FUCKING HATE HIM MORE THAN I HATE KEN!!!!!!!!! It's nice to know that spending 5 years with someone was so important, and he valued me so much that he just cut me off like an infected limb. He can go FUCK all the whores that used him before. Oh wait, he can't because he fucking cant get a hard on. Unless it was because I'm so ugly and fat that I didn't turn him on anymore. I just don't understand why he didn't fucking just dump me when he wanted to in the first place instead of wasting 4 years of my life. Now I am beyond child baring years and will never have kids. I hate my job, but I am good at it. I only make $12 an hour. My bank account has not been a positive balance for at least 3 months. The men on the dating sites I've joined are only after sex. They tell me how beautiful I am, how they are looking for a serious relationship, blah blah blah blah, they fuck me, then take off. My only revenge is I have not told the ones who have fucked me that I have HSV2. One guy, Corey, keeps telling me that he misses me and wants to see me, but then NEVER calls or texts me. The one person who I have been 100% honest with, lives in Montreal Canada. His name is Pierre. We met on the Positive Singles site back in, October I think, maybe September. I am head over heals in love with him. He texts me every day. He's very sweet. However, he is going through some personal crisis and I'm pretty much on the back burner. We were supposed to meet next week, but he canceled. He has not mentioned wanting to meet me again. Only in the vague, oh someday, type of talk which leads me to believe that he really only wants the Skype sex and nothing else Or he actually does have a wife and I'm just the little cyber slut that fell for his smooth talk. I am so tired of being told how beautiful I am, then nobody sticking around. What is wrong with me? Why does everyone leave me? Am I really so horrid that nobody can find any redeeming value or something worth sticking around for? When will someone want to go out of their way and go the extra mile for me?

No not Never

I don't really know why I can't seem to find people who miss me outside of my family. I miss friends and John when I'm not around them. If I want to see any of them, I have to set it up all the time. I'm the one who has to travel to see them. Nobody EVER comes to me. IT SUCKS and I HATE IT. Part of me wants to move to Florida or Alaska for no other reason than to be as far away from anyone I know as possible. EVERYONE I know or have known, has been married at least once, had children, had a life; except me. I'm 41 and still unable to support myself in anyway. My parents still pay for my gas. No wonder why John doesn't want me as a permanent part of his life. I have not shown him I'm worth it. I'm not. I'm fat, I have bad credit, I can't get a job, I have genital herpes and chronic depression. There is nothing attractive about me at all. I may as well stop taking the antidepressants because they clearly are not working. I'm not a horrible person but I can't seem to get anything right.

Saying Good bye to your dreams

Well, I am now coming to terms with the fact that yet another one of my dreams will not come true. I've always wanted to get married, have kids, and be a Mother. I gave up on kids about 5 years ago. I knew it was not going to happen for me. It took a lot out of me to realize that I was not going to be a mother. It sucks. I held out hope that I'd meet someone who will love me for me and want to marry me. I finally met someone who does love me for me, but he does not want to get married. Is it enough to have someone who loves me for me? It has to be. I love him deeply. No, he's not perfect, but then, I am so far from perfect it looks like a dot to me. It's a miracle that I found him at all. So now, I bury my other dream of wearing a beautiful white dress, having my Dad walk me down an aisle to my dream man. It's not going to happen. He loves me, and wants to be with me forever, that's enough right? I know I can build a happy life with him. Why can't that be enough? Is it because it would be to easy for him to leave if he comes to his senses? I guess since children are out, there really is no reason to get married, right? Yipes this is going to be harder than I thought.

Skin care test

So lately I've notices that my skin is getting REALLY OILY. By noon, I look like I was sprayed in the face with oil, YUCK! I am scouring the market for anything and everything that is labeled "oil control" or "shine control". So far, I've tried primers of all price ranges. I have found that for me, none of them really work. I've tried everything from the $43 Dermalogica to the $12 drug store crap. They all work about the same. I'm currently using a brand called Jane Iredale. The primer is called Absence. It is supposed to control the sebum glands that produce excess oil. We'll see. I've started working my way around the make up brands now. Bare Minerals, NOPE. By noon, I look like I'm not wearing any make up at all. Smash Mouth, nope, right now I'm working with Benefit, it's ok but not great. None of the drug store stuff is even worth a second glance. The department store brands are made with better ingredients. My next brand stop will be Tarte. They have a line of make up with Amazonian Clay that is supposed to be great for oil control. I was reading some articles online about skin care for oily skin. I came across one that said to use a mix of essential oils on clean skin before bed. Tonight is the first test. The mixture of essential oils (which I purchased at Whole Foods) is: Jojoba oil Tea Tree oil Lavender oil Bergamot oil I mixed equal parts of each into a small jar I got at Cost Plus World Market. It's actually a spice jar with a latch lid. I dumped each bottle in and measured an equal portion of Jojoba since the bottle was bigger. I gave it a good swirl to make sure it was mixed well. After cleaning my face, I got a q-tip and smudged it all over my face, then blended it in all over. Not too much, but enough to cover my face without making it shiny. According to the article, the oils have antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties, helping to clear up infections and detoxify the skin. We shall see what happens.

"Happy" Holidays

2 years, 9 months and 12 days ago, I lost one of the most important and loved people in my life. For some reason, I feel like I have to constantly apologize for the "moments" I have while I continue to grieve her. What the fuck???? The sad moments are far and few between, in public. People closest to me "can't handle it, it makes them uncomfortable." Excuse the FUCK out of me for making you uncomfortable. How the fuck do you think it makes me feel??????? Can't you just hug me, sit with me, and hold me until the moment passes, because it will. I will never "get over" Marissa's suicide. I just get through it.

This holiday season, I am not looking forward to. Sure I am actually able to buy gifts for everyone on my list, and not little cheapie things either. ACTUAL GIFTS! That part, I LOVE. I LOVE giving gifts to everyone. I'm not looking forward to putting on a brave face and pretending like everything is great, because it's not. It's definitely getting better, I have a decent part time job, and I finally have direction. I know what I want to do with the second half of my life. I feel AMAZING about that. What I don't feel amazing about, is my relationship with John. Something changed since our camping trip in September. He told me I'd been on a "downward spiral for 6 months". I was shocked to say the least. First of all, that he waited 6 months to say anything at all to me. I know he loves me, but it's like he's afraid to really talk to me, I don't understand that. I am totally open with him, I hide nothing. He basically told me that if I don't pull it together, he'd leave me. I understand not being able to be around someone who is sad all the time, but when I try to talk to him about it, I feel like he brushes me off. I'm trying, but I don't know if it's good enough for him. I'd like for him to make a bit of effort to me as well though. I feel like he puts his friends before me. I feel like he goes all out for his friends, and I get the left overs. I'm doing everything I know how to do, if it's not good enough, I don't know what will happen.

"Friends"

Let's start by saying I TOTALLY SUCK at picking friends. My "BFF" has barely spoken to me. I see her commenting on other peoples FB all the time. How fucking hard is it to send me a txt to say Hi? We've been friends for over 17 years and every year that goes by, she seems less interested in trying to keep this friendship going. I feel like I make ALL THE EFFORT and she reaps the rewards. How the hell do I find someone that actually WANTS to be my friend?

Cynthia and I are no longer friends and I have no idea why. She just stopped talking to me, stopped returning my calls, just dropped me like a hot potato. BITCH! I hope she enjoys her lonely life. She is so convinced that she is completely right about everything, and so perfect in every way, GOD FORBID she admit she was wrong. She doesn't even have the balls to tell me what I supposedly did to piss her off. Even if she does call me, which she won't, I have no place in my life for someone like that. Enjoy dying alone BITCH, but hey, your heart was never broken right?

LOOOOONG Time gone by

Well it's been a long time since I've been on here. Not that anyone is even reading this, but that's okay with me, It's my place to say what I want and to hell with what anyone thinks.

I have met someone FINALLY and we have been dating for about 8 months. He really loves me for ME. I honestly didn't think it would EVER happen to me. I didn't think I deserved it or was worthy of it. His name is John. He means so much to me. I have never been happier. It's weird, in a REALY REALY GOOD way, to have someone in my life who only expects me to be me. It's not easy, he hasn't had a serious girlfriend in like 20 years. Last week his brother had a heart attack, and this week, John has clammed up tight, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying not to be pushy, but it's difficult to help or be there, when I don't really know how to do it for him. It is still new, so this is good, it's something that we are both learning to go through together.

I have been in therapy for a year now and have come so far, but I still have a long way to go. I am on anti-depressants and it is still embarassed about it, but at the same time, I am SO GLAD that Karin convinced me to go on them. I VERY NERVOUSLY told John about them, and he didnt flinch a bit. The thing I still can't get over, is the guilt I feel for being so blind to Marissa's pain. I know I need to let it go, but I feel like it is super glued to my heart.

Let's see, what else oh, I was laid off from Bounty Hunter. I know they wanted to fire me, but couldn't because Ron had not documented anything on me. I was laid off on January 8th. Now I'm among the MASSES of unemployed and there are no good paying jobs out there. It's really difficult. I hate job hunting, I feel like I'm pimping myself out, "hey baby you know want me, look what I can do".

Cynthia's father also passed away on Tuesday (3/23/10). His suffering is finally over. Cynthia and her mother no longer have to sit by helplessly and watch him wither away. I can't imagine anything worse. I fear the time that comes when I have to do the same thing.

My therapist tells me that I have to something nice for myself. I have no idea what to do. Is getting your hair cut being nice to yourself? I am getting to the point of frustration at home. My Dad got angry tonight because I had a hair appointment at 6pm and didn't specifically ask him to make dinner. I was talking to Mom about dinner alternatives, WITH DAD chiming in, talking about me NOT BEING THERE, and I get home around 730pm-745pm, and Dad is pissed. Mom wants me to go help Dad finish up, but I have done NOTHING WRONG, so I just go to me room and let him finish like a spoiled child. It's getting stupid. If I don't SPECIFICALLY SAY "Dad you have to make dinner, I'm not going to be here" he throws a fit like a 3 year old. Excuse me for actually having a life and not being your personal live in maid!

I guess that is all I have to share with...................you.