"Happy" Holidays

2 years, 9 months and 12 days ago, I lost one of the most important and loved people in my life. For some reason, I feel like I have to constantly apologize for the "moments" I have while I continue to grieve her. What the fuck???? The sad moments are far and few between, in public. People closest to me "can't handle it, it makes them uncomfortable." Excuse the FUCK out of me for making you uncomfortable. How the fuck do you think it makes me feel??????? Can't you just hug me, sit with me, and hold me until the moment passes, because it will. I will never "get over" Marissa's suicide. I just get through it.

This holiday season, I am not looking forward to. Sure I am actually able to buy gifts for everyone on my list, and not little cheapie things either. ACTUAL GIFTS! That part, I LOVE. I LOVE giving gifts to everyone. I'm not looking forward to putting on a brave face and pretending like everything is great, because it's not. It's definitely getting better, I have a decent part time job, and I finally have direction. I know what I want to do with the second half of my life. I feel AMAZING about that. What I don't feel amazing about, is my relationship with John. Something changed since our camping trip in September. He told me I'd been on a "downward spiral for 6 months". I was shocked to say the least. First of all, that he waited 6 months to say anything at all to me. I know he loves me, but it's like he's afraid to really talk to me, I don't understand that. I am totally open with him, I hide nothing. He basically told me that if I don't pull it together, he'd leave me. I understand not being able to be around someone who is sad all the time, but when I try to talk to him about it, I feel like he brushes me off. I'm trying, but I don't know if it's good enough for him. I'd like for him to make a bit of effort to me as well though. I feel like he puts his friends before me. I feel like he goes all out for his friends, and I get the left overs. I'm doing everything I know how to do, if it's not good enough, I don't know what will happen.