Marissa Nicole Guinn-Simmons Given to us 7-6-1990 Called home to God 2-8-2009

This is going to be the worst blog post I have ever had to post. I feel I may be able to do it now that a little time has passed. Actually typing the workds out in front of me, I don't know. I still can't believe it's true. I can't believe that I will never see that beautiful smiling face again. I will never hear your sweet voice or attempt to respond to your TXT MSGS. When we meet again, I want to know what you were thinking and feeling that drove you to do such a desperate act and rip our hearts out. I know that you are sorry for putting us through such horrendous pain that I never knew existed. You have always been a person who acts on impulse and does not completely think things through until it's too late.
I am trying very hard to erase the image I have of finding you out there. The tree is gone, there was no other choice. I keep playing the events of that terrible day over and over in my head. I hear myself scream and I see myself running out to grab you and lift you up. Why didn't you call me, Nikki, Kayla, Roxi, anyone?? I have had my heart broken so many times I can give step by step instructions on what you will experience.
I love you like you are my daughter. You are more than just a niece and Goddaughter. I don't think anyone can fully grasp the depth of my love for you and your sister. The lengths I would go to to keep you safe and do anything for you. I hope you understand that now. I choose to believe that you knew that on that day but the pain you had at the time was blinding. I know that pain. I love you so much.
At the moment, I can't see how this will end or get better or how the fuck I am going to get through this. All I know that I have to. I know our family loves me, I know you love me, and I know that it's nobody's fault. I know all of this in my head but feeling it is another story. The priest at your vigil said "You can be sorry and hurt that she is gone, or happy that she lived" I am SO HAPPY that you graced my life, our lives with your presence. You brought so much joy, love and laughter to our lives. You were always the constant optomist always seeing the good, even when you spilled over everything. I loved watching you grow up. I'm sorry we didn't make it to DisneyWorld.
I am fucking pissed that you did this to our family. We have always tried to get you to talk to us, to tell you that we love you and will love you through anything. I am pissed that you have burned that horrible image into my brain and I don't know if I will ever get it out. That is not the last image I want to see of my beautiful niece. I am pissed, pissed, pissed, pissed, FUCKING PISSED that you could be so incredibly selfish. How could you do this to us?? DO you have any idea how many people you hurt? You ruined my vacation, Cynthia's vacation, you have completely crushed Papa, Grandma, me by forcing us to find you and take you down. You have DEVISTATED your only sister who has ALWAYS had your back even when you didn't have hers, and your mother is a complete mess. You didn't stop for a second and consider that maybe my family can help me??? So many people love you and you were so blinded by pain and selfishness you didnt stop and consider anyone else.
I am so sad right now that breathing is hard. Getting out of bed is a chore that is nearly impossible. I know that as time goes by, these things will get easier and the pain will not be so raw. Marissa my angel I love you more than words can say. I have never stopped and never will. I do forgive you, my love for you is always bigger than my anger at you.
Please watch over Kayla's baby and make sure she gets here safe. Get to know her in heaven before God sends her here to be with us. I love you forever my little Ra-Ra-Rissa-Rissa-Pooh-Pooh-Pooh!!

CAUTION.......WHINING ROAD AHEAD

Well, like it or not I'm about to whine. I need to. I am in a major funk and I seem to be stuck and I don't know how to pull out it. I hate absolutly everything about me, my body and my life. If you look up looser in the dictionary, you will see me. I am 36, a college graduate, and living at home with my parents. I make much less than 27,000 a year and can barely afford to keep my bills paid. I don't understand where I went wrong. I did everything "right" in life. I never did drugs, never cut school, never lied to my parents, was the good child, never broke curfew, I have never been drunk. I've only had 1 ticket in my life. I went to college and paid for it myself. I should be proud right? WRONG! I still live with my parents because I cant afford my own place. Right now is THE BEST time to buy a house and I cant afford it. There is a perfect house for me in this neighborhood for less than $100,000, and I cant afford it. I havent had a date in over 7 years, and I cry myself to sleep every night. I have absolutly zero confidence in myself. I don't know how to fix it and I can't afford therapy which I'm not sure if I really need it or not. The cherry on my poor poor pitiful me sundae is I have gained about 30 lbs and am heavier now than I have ever been. The weird thing is more of me doesnt give a shit than does. There is a small (ironic since NOTHING on me is small) part of me really does want to loose weight and become healthy, I have seen first hand what it does, but most of me just does not give a shit. I have to find the nearest exit off of this whining road, it dead ends and I don't want to hit that again.

Tahoe

This past weekend, Cynthia and I ran off to Tahoe. We rented a house and MAN OH MAN the view was amazing!! This picture here is a view from the deck. I was sitting at the table on the deck and snapped this. We did absolutly nothing the entire weekend and it was awesome!


I do need to mention one thing. The house came with a fully stocked kitchen. While hunting around for spices, we found this. Who knew it came in a bottle now!

I promise to never forget

I searched flicker for September 11 pictures and fell in love with this one. The sunrise to me signifies renewal, just like America has done. I have never been so gratefull to be an American.

I absolutly hate it that when I put the words September 11 into any search engine, it brings up the terrible pictures of that days events. I understand why, but I still don't like it. I love the way that my country came together and became stronger. Thinking about the events of that day still bring me to tears. I did not know anyone. I used to date someone who has family in Long Island but that's it. Hearing my national anthem brings tears to my eyes, but all of them are tears of pride. Many countries point fingers at us and LOVE to point out our flaws. I used to get picked on all the time in school. People tease beacuse they are insecure about themselves. If we are so terrible, why does everyone come to us when they are in trouble. If it was not for America, we would not have television, radio, computers, telephones, and countless other life saving and enriching products.

I love my country, and I will always take time to remember the brave selfless people who gave their lives that day to save a stranger.

BLAST OFF!!

Holy cow I got a blast from the past! I went to my face book page to check in (which I do about once a week) and on there was a friend request. Now keep in mind I DO NOT get those very often beacause it's just not a place I go to to meet people but to keep in touch with over seas friends (Kels!). So naturally I was surprised to see a freind request................especially one from my old boyfriend!!! I mean he is happily married and has been for quite some time so it was not THAT kind of request. But WOW you could have knocked me over with a feather! I have nobody to tell about this until tomorrow. It came as quite a shock. He broke my heart when I was 19 and I was never really the same. Weird, it kind of bring up all of my insecurities. Thank goodness he lives in a different city that is a bit of a distance from me, so I don't have to bump into him. It's so weird how a one line message from a guy I dated 17 years ago can bring up such old insecurities.

BLAST OFF!!

Holy cow I got a blast from the past!

My latest quest

I have a new quest. To seek out and discover strange and unusual wine bottle labels. I have a wine label book I found for $12 and it is divided into Reds, Whites, and Speciality Wines. It has space for tasting notes and came with wine label remover tape. My first unique label is the one you see below. The label was done by the same artist who did cover work for The Grateful Dead. I purchased 3 bottles of this one; 1 for my cosumption and label book, 1 for a candle obera (dont worry the label will remain was free the candles are suspended to the side of the bottle, but I may protect it somehow) and 1 to give to a friend.
This label is on a mystery bottle. I got the bottle for free from work. It was left over from an event a couple years ago and has no discriptive lable on it at all. Nobody has any idea where this wine is from. Part of me wants to keep this on in tact, but wine was made for consumption so down the hatch it will go in good company. This is especially fun for me beacuse my father grew up in San Francisco, and I grew up going there ALL THE TIME. If you look closely, you will find every notable symbol of San Francisco all on one beautiful label.
Over the 4th of July weekend, I ran away with my travel bud C. We found a BEAUTIFUL historic hotel and just relaxed all weekend. We brought a few uhm, provision. This was a BYOMB hotel (Bring Your Own Mini Bar) so we did. The sour cream tub is filled with lemon rimming sugar.............YUM!!!!! And as tradition goes, I got a great buzz from 1 martini!

Family..........fuck em

Today was M's graduation party. A party that my sister put together with 3 of her friends and their kids. NONE of the kids wanted it, and it was completely retarded. They had a table set up at one side of the recreation hall they got for free (can you say red neck?) and for the 3 boys they had little displays set up with the boys' personal belongings like a letterman jacket, a football helmet, boxes to collect money that were labled College Fund, etc. All of them EXCEPT for M. For her, my stupid sister put up her senior picture and some decorative vases and fabric. They had a slide show playing and people kept playing the slide shows of the 3 boys over and over again. M's played 3 times. What the fuck ever happed to a Mother looking out for the best interest of HER CHILD. Yeah that skipped my sister.

Now, onto one of my Aunts. After the laggin party with the bad food, we all came back to our house for coffee and dessert. My fucking Aunt who God Fucking Queen and keep her snide remarks to her fucking self. I don't evenr emember the EXACT conversation but she says to me "Well you parents could tell you to get your own place" . Fucking bitch. Like I dont have enough enough self esteem issues without you pointing out that I don't make enough money to get my own place. I would LOVE to have a place of my own but the sad fuckin fact is, this world will not allow me to. I have done all the "right things". I went to college (paid my own way thank you very much) got a BA and it has not done shit for me. You dont fuckin think I look in the mirror every god dam day and hate what I see??? Thank you very fuckin much Aunt Bitch. Im sorry I am not one of your perfect children.

I'm a run, run , run, run runaway

So my travel buddy and I have both been chomping at the bit to run away again but nowhere pricey or far. Fuck with gas hitting $4.41 a gallon, nobody is running away too far. We decided to run off to a near by city that is about 60ish miles away. There is a mystery house in the same city that neither of us have ever been to, even though we have both lived in this area nearly all of our lives. I guess that is true of a lot of locals, leave the "touristy things" for the tourists. Well, we will be impersonating tourists over the 4th of July weekend. Since we both have a 3 day weekend, we are running off. IF you done like it....fuck you I do what I want (make sure you read that last line like Cartman if you dont know who he is........where the hell have you been for the last decade?????) Here is a sneak peek at the lobby and one of the rooms in this perrrrrrty hotel.

I'm still on the hunt,,,,the JOB hunt that is. There is not much out there and it gets discouraging a lot. I often feel like I wasted my time and money at college because Im not using my degree and it has not done shit to get me more of anything but whispers and funny looks from family and those who claim to be friend. What-fuckin-ever, if you dont like my life...............get the fuck out Im the one living it and I sure as hell am not living it for anyone but me. So kiss my big white ass if'n you dont like my choices. It can ALWAYS be worse, I could be living in a trailer with 2 kids and divorced from a dick who everyone told me not to marry....................hmmmmmmmmmmmmm sounds familiar HA! HA!

Good night "ladies" and boys............yes boys there is no such thing as a man. They are just a fairy tale.

Changes Abooot

I have made some changes. Title and address to reflect my personality a bit more. If you can figure out the meaning behind the address and title, then you are a ROCK STAR. I wanted smartass but it was already taken. Have I mentioned that I have a relatively new job. Have I also mentioned that I really hate it. It NEVER CHANGES! I do the EXACT SAME THING every single fucking day. The only bright spot to this job is that it is 5 minutes from my house so I save a shit load of money on gas. I am searching FEVERISHLY for a new job. I'm not asking for a lot, just a job that I don't hate and will pay me enough to be a grown up. I guess in my state, they dont believe in that even if you have a college degree. Fuck you

Daaaaaancing Queeeeen, yoooouuuung & sweet oooonly seeeeeven- teeen!

This past weekend was M's high school dance show. She's been in the class for 3 years and this year, she had a solo dance that she choreographed herself. The pictures are not that great because we were in the very back of the theatre and my current camera only has a 4x optical zoom (this will be remedied soon as I have my eye balls on some snazzy non-SLR but better than pocket cameras). The digital zoom kicked in but as you can see its a bit grainy. No problem though, I still got one shot :). Her routine was VERY short but a big hit. She did a couple of tumbling passes that were pretty simple for her but wow'd everyone else; some back handsprings, ariel's and drop splits. It was fun, she LOVES being in the spotlight (no matter what she says). I cannot believe that she will be graduating high school this year. My little baby M all grow'd up!
This is the same girl who used to squish butter between her fingers and put her entire head in the mixing bowl to get the brownie batter. A wise man once said "GOOD GRIEF!"

Put me in Coach!

Survey said...............................PLASTIC! I was in a mood today, a shopping mood! I actually went to a mall the day before Mother's Day (yes I'm insane!) with a mission. I had $100 in Nordstrom gift cards that have been burning a hole in my wallet. So with my $100 head start, I went to a mall that would have Nordstrom and Sephora (or as I call it Shangri-La) so off my shopping buddy/travel buddy went. With my $100 backed by my plastic I treated myself to these:
A Coach purse and Christian Dior lip stick and gloss. The purse was on clearance 50% off, the Dior not so much. I wanted to purchase things that I would NEVER buy on my own. I LOVE the Dior lip stick & gloss! It lasts for a long long time and the shade is different from my usual safe brown colors. Its pink without being tooooo pink and it has a little sparkle in it. It feels perfect on, not heavy or goopy. The purse is a perfect travel purse. The strap is adjustable and will sling aross my shoulders. Its not bulky but big enough for my pocket digital camera and other essentials that one needs to carry while traveling. I love the colors; blue, tan, white, it will go with just about everything. I am on a shopping high right now. I found some shirts, earrings, sunglasses and of course make up at Sephora (that I really did need) The only things I bought that I didnt REALLY need were the shirts. My sunglasses are bent, and I was out of some of my makeup. No I dont feel guilty at all, my bills are paid in full so I can treat myself when I want. I LOVE IT!

FINALLY

Well, I finally did it I bought an iPod. Its not the little one either. I always said that if I was going to buy one I buy big and I did. I bought the 80 gig silver one. So far I only have 345 songs on it. Hopefully, I will get the rest of my CD collection on there before Monday. I got it mostly for work because in my office, there is no music and not much talking. I was literally falling asleep at my computer. So far, the only accessory I have purchased for it is a protective sleeve and a square speaker/charger with a tiny little remote I keep next to my bed. Here is my new toy.
People have called me a gadget gal, and I would like to disagree. My list of so called gadgets include the following: a desktop computer (22" wide screen moniter) a printer/scaner with a media card reader, regular tube TV, small basic DVD player, Nintendo DS (about 10 games) compact point & shoot digital camera (6.0 MPs), cell phone (duh), of course my most prized Tassimo, XM Radio for my car and my latest, the iPod. Is that a lot?

1 Year

A year ago today my best friend lost her father to Cancer. It was the worst thing I've ever seen. She was 5 months pregnant with her first child and it was supposed to be the happiest time of her life. After it happened I spent 6 months living with her Mom to try and provide some sort of comfort. I dont know if I really did any good, but I did what I could. I spent the evening with her and her family. Not talking about Charlie but just being there. So many things have changed in the last year. My best friend had her first child and lost her father. I dont know really what do for her anymore, or how I fit into her life. I try to be there for her but not intrude, to let her know that I need her but not be needy. Its VERY weird and VERY difficult. We have been friends for 17 years and for the first time, I don't know how to talk to her.

Baby got BLING!!!!!!

TO ME Happy Birthday to ME Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEE Happy Birthday to me! I cant believe its a year already. It was a good day today. I got up for work and Mom & Dad (okay mostly Mom but Dad was supporting as usual) were VERY excited to give me my bday gifts first thing in the morning. It was in a gift bag and the first thing I opened up was a box of cereal.........mmmmmmmmkay. Next out came a travel magazine with articles on traveling to Europe and London I was like......whats this? I didnt say anything and kept digging and I drew out a small box. In the box was my very first pair of diamond earrings!!!! I told them that as a joke. Mom asked me what I wanted and I blurted out "Diamond earrings" then proceeded to give a few things that I thought were more realistic bday gifts. Yesterday I had dinner at Miss A's house. Miss P and Miss A gave me the Mickey ring, and M gave me the Nordstrom gift card.
After work I got to pick where to go for my bday dinner. How many people were going definately factored in. Since it was just my parents and myself, I chose ...................................................

We headed out to the restaurant. I used to pass it EVERYDAY during my long commute to work. I'd always say someday Im going to go there. Its a small place with AMAZING service and even better food! I had a center cut pork chop, a pear salad and a pear and ginger martini YUM!!!

So, with my collection of Nordstrom gift cards and 2 close friends tomorrow Im off to the city for a day of Farmers Market, Shopping and lunch. This is definately one of my better birthdays. I got to talk to my bestest friend in the entire world, hear my nephew splashing around in his bath and cooing, got a singing voice mail and 2 count them T-W-O chocolate cakes!!!! How much better could it be diamonds and chocolate!

The latest news

My niece finally got the dog she has wanted for a LONG time. Of course, this pissed her Mom off for reasons I will not go into. Mostly because it would take tooo flippin long. Rajah is NOT fond of him AT ALL. Cole is learning to "Leave the Kitty" mostly because the kitty ambushed him one day and kicked the crap out of the little dog (no worries no blood was drawn) and now Cole will not even go to the end of the hall because "THE KITTY is down there" :) He wont even chase his beloved red magic disappearing dot down the hall, he stops halfway and refuses to go. Rajah's sanctuary is my bedroom, he knows that in there, he is safe from everything.
Here is a picture of the little runt when she first got him. I'll show a picture of "Big Boy Cole" at a later date.

Tomorrow I'm going over to a friends house for a BBQ and Im bringing the wine :) Yum Yum! I have connections :) I'm so glad that the weekend is almost here! My job is SOOOOOO BORING but its a paycheck until I find something a bit more challenging and fun. I was loosing a lot of money commuting so far everyday especially with gas prices pushing $4 a gallon! Well I need to go Rajah is wimpering to go outside for another 30 seconds so he can pretend to be a tough outside kitty.

I love Surprises

I know I said I was closing down. Hey maybe I just needed a break. I go through shit like that, so if ya dont like it, too bad its my blog. Really, I got this in the mail and its too good to keep to myself. Yes I fell out of my chair when I opened it, YES I was on the phone to the phone company IMMEDIATELY and YES they fucked up and NO I dont owe $7000 to my cell phone company.

In other news, Marissa had a friend of hers take some pictures of her doing some basic gymnastic moves and here she is. Keep in mind that she has not really been doing gymnastics for about 5 years. She is coaching so she gets to work out occasionally. I am quite proud that my niece can do thisCheck out how high she is! Getting the both of them in gymnastics was the best idea ever! It's a challenge but they love it still today. Both of them coach gymnastics and K knows it is what she wants to do with her life.

Well, I better go I dont want to over inform you on my first day back.

Peace Out

Me Dec 2006
Originally uploaded by Disneysue.

So I think I will be retiring my blog. The one reader I have I'm sure will not be upset, I can just call her to tell her what I put on here. I will give it maybe one more week and then I'm done. It all depends on when I can get home to properly delete it. Whatever this is supposed to do for me, it's just become sort of a chore now. I'm not a writer so I have to struggle to think of what to say. Anywhoo, thats it and thanks for stoppin by.

Cabernet Pie and other Yummy things

Cabernet Pie
Originally uploaded by Disneysue.

I splurged and treated my family to this pie that is only available during harvest time here in the valley. It is made from the local Cabernet grapes, unseeded. There is a mixed review of this pie locally. You either LOVE IT or hate it. The haters cannot get past the seeds, and wonder why they don't seed the grapes before making the pie. If you take a close look, you will see how many grapes are used to made this pie. IF they were to seed it, it would take them weeks for one pie and there would be nothing left of the grape. Anyway, I got it as a celebration treat welcoming my mother home from the hospital. She is doing a lot better. Still very weak, but on the mend.

In other news, I just got back from an all chick weekend in Tahoe. We has a little snow on the way up and it was BREATH TAKING! No I didn't get pics of snow, mostly because I know my pics would not have done justice to the beauty. Some of the leafy trees were the most beautiful shade of yellow against deep green redwoods with a light snow on the ground. So beautiful in one spot there were at least 10 painters furiously painting attempting to capture the beauty on canvas, Not going to happen but it is locked in my memory.

Here are a couple cabin pics









I was asked to bring something yummy to drink, and I found this beauty at the local Wine & Spirits store. YUM!YUM!YUM!



It has passion fruit, blood oranges, mango and other yummy fruits. Alone over ice or diluted with seltzer water or vodka, and OH...........MY...........GAWD!!!!!! We drank this, I also brought Chocolate Mint Baileys that we put in our coffee. C cooked the entire weekend and WOW! We had apricot glazed pork roast, stuffed cornish game hens, creamy garlic parmigiana potatoes, wedge salads, champagne and OOOOH YUM! She loves to cook and well we love to eat LOL! Saturday, we showered but stayed in our PJS and watched movies and none of us left the cabin. We just gossiped and vegged. It was awesome! We made a deal to come back every year on the same weekend. Maybe next year soeone else can drive so I can enjoy the scenic drive up.

I'm running away!

lake tahoe
Originally uploaded by Disneysue.

This weekend I'm running away with a few friends. We rented a log cabin in Lake Tahoe and are going to just.....................veg, watch chick flicks and be without make-up! C is the chef in the group and in charge of the meals for the weekend. I get to bring the liquid dessert..yes thats right folks, liqueur. We will be enjoying Baileys Chocolate Mint, Classic Baileys, and a French one that I will have to tell you about when I get back. I took a picture of the full bottle, but I think I will wait to tell you about it. The place has a wood burning fire place, NOT a gas one. I will also be bringing S'More supplies!



YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM! It's going to be great to not do ANYTHING!